A family in rural Arkansas has come forward with definitive proof that their patriarch is none other than former president Bill Clinton. Living in the middle of nowhere on a piece of land passed down for generations, the “Hanson” family as they are known in the area has no cable television, no newspaper delivery and no telephone service. They’ve only had electricity for about a decade now and they’re hoping to have running water sometime before 2025.
The Hansons are part of a small community that can best be described as Arkansas’ version of the Amish. They are secluded, farm and hunt for food, chop trees for heat and lumber and school their own. They have a resident doctor who, despite the amenities of modern medicine, manages to keep them living to an average of 87 years old.
The family, whose youngest grandson decided to wander off the hillside and see what else the world had to offer, recently learned that their father, grandfather and husband, who calls himself John Walton Jones, is actually former president Bill Clinton. Harvey Hanson, Clinton’s grandson, told reporters from the local Arkansas Fox affiliate:
“That’s my Papa. He gots a different last name cuz he never married my Nana. Ma says he’d come around when she were little all the time but then about 30 years ago he disappeared for nine years. They all thought he were dead. Then he come back and spends time at the cabin like he never left. Then he left again. We ain’t seen him in 2 years.
I was in the store when I seen a picture of a man they says was governor and president and couldn’t believe my eyes. That’s my Papa. He’s famous. Howscum we ain’t got nothin but a cabin on a hill, three rabbits four chickens and a goat?”
Clinton has yet to respond to the allegations but liberals are already circling the wagons. Unfortunately for slick Willie, his DNA is on record from the Monica Lewinski scandal. Harvey, who is 22-years-old, has provided his DNA so it can be matched.
Hillary and Chelsea Clinton were both seen yesterday being hurried into Chelsea’s Manhattan apartment without Bill, and according to reports, they both looked extremely distraught. They should be. They were foolish enough to believe that this man was above having a second family with hill-dwelling introverts from the backwoods of Arkansas. Looks like they were wrong.